The Stink Bug War #1

As the Summer winds down and the first chills of Fall start occasionally blustering about I have noticed an extreme violation of the unspoken, wildly one-sided (but I think still fair) treaty I have with the bugs that inhabit the area around my house. It goes something like this:

"All bugs are freely permited to run mindlessly into the lamp posts and outdoor lights surrounding the house as much as they please. They are also allowed to briefly land on the exterior of the house, provided they don't invite friends and agree to inform any fellow bugs that resting on this particular house wasn't even that great and kind of smelled.

Nesting on the exterior, interior, inside the walls or within any unreasonable distance of the house (to be determined by the inhabitant of the house) is intolerable.

Finally crossing the threshold into the house is strictly forbidden.

Violation of any of these terms shall be viewed as an admission of guilt. Violators are subject to the following penalties: Death.

This penalty shall be carried out by means of: Newspaper, the bottom of my shoe, vaccuum, flame, toilet, chemical warfare, or really anything I see fit."

The main violator of this treaty is none other than: The Stink Bug (pictured above (try not to puke (I know I almost did))). Now given their large population I think it safe to assume that there are a few among them that are dumb enough to simply disregard the treaty and attempt to enjoy some of my awesome air conditioning. So if once or twice a week I enter my room and find an idiot bouncing of my overhead light I am more than happy to accept his admission of guilt and carry out his sentence.

However, as the weeks pass I have learned that these are not the morons I assumed them to be.. they are scouts. Using the putrid odor they release at death as a warning to the rest of their ranks that my room is not a suitable entry point.

But what is their plan..? updates to follow...

Decaf BREAKFAST Blend??

I have recently come to love the new Keurig machine in my kitchen. No longer do I have to wait for a whole pot of coffee to brew, I just pop in a K-Cup and press one button and I'm on my way (to the next room where I can watch Saved by the Bell re-runs). I have no issue with the machine itself, but sifting through the cups to make sure I don't accidentally brew a decaf, is quite the inconvenience.

Now it's not that bad, as they are pretty clearly marked, but one brand in particular always almost trips me up and also baffles me: Green Mountain Coffee- Breakfast Blend Decaf. Decaf.. and breakfast? Who is drinking this? Who is waking up in the morning and drinking coffee just for the taste, when they could get the same taste plus some perkiness? Now I understand drinking decaf in the evening, so you are able to sleep, but this is specifically called, "Breakfast Blend."

My assumption is that the marketing strategy behind calling something, "Breakfast Blend," is to suggest that this coffee tastes better than other coffee you might drink in the morning because its specifically for breakfast, maybe it even wakes you up more. WELL IT CERTAINLY ISN'T IF IT'S DECAF!

So then maybe it is just the, "same," flavor as the regular, "Breakfast Blend," just with out the caffeine, but then isn't that just exposing themselves? Like saying, "No, actually it tastes great at any time of day, we just want you to think it's better at breakfast." But then why still call it, "Breakfast Blend," why not, "Evening Blend, or any other combination of light, dark, french, bold, mild, roast?

Does this baffle anyone else? Or am I just in the wrong for assuming people don't drink decaf in the morning?

Fishing With Worms

My family loves fish. Whether it's swimming in a tank, being chopped for sushi, fighting at the end of our line, being sold at our aquarium store, or being fried up in a lemony pecan crust we just can't get enough. My dad even brings a small tank to the beach so he can catch pompano in the surf, and search through the sargassum weeds for filefish and watch 'em swim around all week. (Ugh.)

Although I do enjoy the aquarium side of things, I would much rather be out on the lake/river/creek/pond/ocean/body of water, casting my line out in hopes of landing the big one. Which is why my favorite trip every year is to the family um.. cabin? shack? dwelling?.. lets just say "camp," on Lake Chmplain in Vermont.

Yes I love nothing more than waking up at the crack of dawn, rigging up my line and motoring out to the point in 50 degree weather, casting out my imitation crayfish and reeling in a few perch, and small mouths for about 2 hours before the sun cranks up heat to about 95. Not making up the temp change either.. believe me your newly sunburnt body will be rubbed in all the wrong places when you have switch to jeans and sweaters at night.

Unfortunately we arrived a bit later in the year this year and the fish just weren't in the mood for anything we threw at them. Trusted lure's were changed out for excentric ones, smelly ones, flashy/noisy ones, but it slowly dawned on us that if we wanted to make this trip a success, we may have to fall back on the ultimate fail safe... Worms.

Anyone who ever went fish with their dad as a kid probably had the same set up: A push button rod, attatched to a large red and white bobber, with a hoplessly impaled worm wriggling on the end of your hook. It's pretty simply- cast and wait, success is almost guaranteed. It almost begs the question, why dont all fisherman do it?

Well my guess is that although you are very likely to catch something, it is likely to be something that moves around a lot and isn't looking for a huge meal, aka- small fish. I'd say I made this realization around the age of 10, when I noticed my dad searching through his oversided tackle box, sifting between all shapes, sizes and colors of appetizing looking hooks and lures. Not only that, but he would cast and retrieve over and over as opposed to just sitting there waiting. Indeed the act of selecting just the right lure, dancing between the weeds and reeling in significantly bigger fish is ultimately more fun and appealing than the oh so successful worm, which becomes scoffed at as, begginner bait, and ultimately a last resort.

We had reached the last resort. We bought some nightcrawlers, ripped em in half, rigged up the bobbers, cast em out and BAM! A night full of good fishing was had by all. So the next morning we shipped out again and brought along my little cousin (3rd cousin? Dad's cousins, son? Whatever) AJ to join in. We hooked him up with a worm while we decided to try our luck again with the lure's. The air was cool, the water looked fishy, and the sun was up just enough to see the bottom of the lake.. and WOA there they were.. a pack of sheepshead the size of footballs. Moronically I tried bobbing my lure in front of them, but saw some bubbles rise to the surface.. I think they were laughing at me.

Well I'm sure you can see where this is going, and you'd be right... All of a sudden AJ was almost pulled out of the boat by one of the monstrous sheepshead. It was a long fought battle and I had to take over some of the reeling for him, but eventually we landed the 8 lb fish, twice as big as anything I'd ever seen come out of the lake, caught on a worm, surrounded by people with years of experience.

Everyone on shore was very impressed with the catch, and had a good laugh as we explained how the youngest man on board had caught the largest fish with the most basic of bait. So is there any pride lost in catching something HUGE on a worm? I dont think so, it is just less common. In anycase, I wont be overlooking worms anytime in the near future.

Boone The Poop Monster

My morning shower was considerably shorter than normal today due to a lack of hot water and an excess of extremely cold water. I rapidly washed my hair, and performed an abridged version of my usual full body scrubbing, just making sure some soap got everywhere. I eagerly jumped out began vigorously drying off, noticing that the cold water was causing my blood to rush to my skin creating a rather warm and pleasant feeling. Nonetheless I desired the additional warmth of some clothing and hurried into my room to get dressed. Upon leaving the soapy aroma of the bathroom and entering my room however I noticed a subtle, but still unpleasant scent in the air that I certainly hadn't noticed earlier.

"Wow, I must not have cleaned myself thoroughly enough," I thought, fearing I would have to return to the icy rain to do a better job. "Probably nothing some deodorant cant fix," I reasoned thinking that if the smell persisted I would just go take another shower. As I finished getting dressed and applying my deodorant I noticed that the smell had not been masked by clothing or the antiperspirant and had actually grown stronger. It occurred to me that something else in my room may be the source of the rapidly worsening stench. Taking another whiff fear struck me. "Oh, no," I said aloud slowing turning around and scanning the floor on my room, but, oh yes, there it was in a nice pile on my bike shorts: Puppy Poop.

My brother, Ben, and his girlfriend recently brought home a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy, now known as Boone, who will be staying with our family for the summer. As ill advised as it may or may not be for a collegiate sophomore couple of less than two years to be buying a puppy together I really wasn't complaining; he's possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen and as far as I was concerned I got to enjoy all the benefits of having a new puppy without worrying about all the responsibilities i.e. taking him to the vet, buying medicine, letting him out every hour, and most importantly cleaning up the inevitable house poops.

Inevitable is really the wrong word though.. constant, is probably a better choice. As it stands I have just graduated college and while on the job hunt spend most of my days at home, my parents go to work, and Ben works part time at the family aquarium store. So its pretty much just me and the dogs at home all day. Now even though Boone isn't my dog, I'm happy to help out during the day while everyone else is out, which basically just means letting him out every now and then, and because of my hatred for handling feces in anyway shape or form I do this quite often. I watch for anywhere from 15-20 minutes at a time while Boone explores the front yard, I take him on walks around the neighborhood, and then I take him out again. Yes, I think it is safe to say he has opportunities galore to do his business.

There I am however, doubting my showering skills staring at a nice brown lump of Boone poop on my clothes. What is most unusual about this behavior though is that he he goes out of his way to hide his droppings in remote locations of the house. I think my room counts as remote in his mind because he just learned to walk up the stairs. In any case he clearly understands that this practice is wrong, but never takes advantage of his plentiful opportunities to take his business elsewhere.

So at least once a day I am left with the ultimate question: Wait for Ben to return home and let him take care of his puppies poop and suffer the house-filling stench of poo all day? Or deal with the situation myself? All I can say is that the smell is simply unbearable, so yea situation after situation is dealt with. Bleh.

See more of the joys of having a new puppy here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNf6wytEwe4

How to eat an Everything Bagel

At this point in my life a typical breakfast consists of a trip to Au Bon Pain, where I blend the, "Morning Blend," and, "Hazelnut," coffee's together and then select a bagel.

I think this is easily the most important decision I make every morning. Now my ideal bagel choice is: onion. Unfortunately ABP does not carry this type of bagel, but they do carry I nice selection of other stuff. Some mornings I go for the Asiago cheese, it has a nice crunch melted cheese throughout. Other days it's the Honey Oat bagel, it's not as savory, but sometimes I need a little extra sweet flavor in the morning.

More often than not however, I go for the Everything bagel. Poppy seeds, sesame seeds, salt, and most importantly: Onions. That last ingredient is the primary reason I make this decision every morning, but it comes with one major inconvenience: its only HALF of an everything bagel, and HALF of a plain bagel!

I don't know who ABP thinks they are kidding, but only the top half of these awesome treats are covered with any kind of topping. This wouldn't be a huge deal except that when you cut the bagel in half to spread cream cheese or peanut butter or whatever you want, you end up with 2 completely different halves.

Maybe if your skilled with your knife you can get some of the outer most ingredients into the bottom half of your breakfast but, it really wont be the same. Fortunately I have devised a strategy to overcome this injustice.

I used to always eat the bland boring side first, so I could savor the good side last, but this is a huge mistake.

If you have ever had an everything bagel, and if you haven't stop reading and go do so, you know that they are messy. Ingredients fall off all over the place and there isn't much you can do to stop it.

Here is what you do. First lay down your napkin, and saw your breakfast in half, letting all the goods collect below on the napkin. Then spread whatever you want onto the, "good" half of your bagel and enjoy it but make sure your droppings land on the napkin.

Now on to that lame-butt second half, spread your cream cheese on as thick as you want, then dump all shtuff your napkin collected onto the cream cheese. Not only did none of your flavors go to waste but they will get stuck in the cheese and not go messying everything up.

Enjoy your bagels!

The Wind

I don't complain about the weather very often, I actually find it kind of entertaining. Raining? Great! Time for a run. Snowing? Awesome, I hope to never grow out of being excited about snow, no matter how many weeks it lasts, I enjoy the change in scenery. There is one thing that gets to me though, one thing that makes everything else so much worse: The Wind.

I'm not sure what it is about the Virginia Tech Campus, but the wind here doesn't seem to follow any kind of rules. You can literally be walking down a sidewalk wind blasting your face with the cold weather, realize you forgot something, turn around and continue being smacked in the face with an icy gale.

Fortunately it's not that windy that often here, but today it is and there is no escape. I like wearing hoodies in the winter to protect me from any precipitation, and they work very well. However in the wind they backfire. What once protected my head is now a grand entrance for cold air to hit my body as it snakes down my neck. GRR!

Even in warm weather, anything above a gentle breeze is a nuisance. Fishing lines go astray, any ball being kicked or thrown is doomed, and forget about any kind of on the lake sports. Short of flying a kite, which I've never been very good at, it's a major buzz kill.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a frisbee golf match I'm prepared to get frustrated with.

The Snow Shovel Paradox

For the first time in what feels like forever, we are finally getting some decent snow fall here in Blacksburg. Weekend after weekend we are piling up another 12 inches or so (insert "you wimpy Southerners dont know what a real snow fall looks like" joke from any given Northern reader here). I love snow, and all the fun it has to offer, sledding, snow balls, cancelled classes, hell last weekend I just went outside and walked around in it. It's also very manly.

Of course there is one problem: I can't move my car!

Lets not confuse this with driving my car, the roads are clear, and people are driving around fine. My car is stuck in its parking place. Obvious solution- Dig it out right? Yes! Unfortunately I have no snow shovel, and this brings us to the super inconvenient snow shovel paradox.

Like many college students planning ahead for weather, especially when it may cost you very valuable beer money (although some may consider buying beer planning ahead). So when I hear snow coming in Blacksburg my first thought isnt.. hmm I should go buy an expensive shovel. Why not? because like I said above it doesnt snow this much that often. When it does snow you can normally still drive, and in fact people are right now, I JUST CANT MOVE MY CAR. So naturally you wait it out to see if you will in fact need one. Turns out I do.

Guess what? Now that I need one, I no longer have the means to get one because of course my car is stuck. So after trying to dig out with my ice scraper, I resigned to waiting for the car to naturally melt out of its predicament. So when it does finally melt I will be able to go get the shovel I have to desparately needed, but here comes the paradox. Why would I go waste my money on an expensive shovel now that I can drive again? and the cycle continues

The problem is that your very unlikely to be using a snow shovel the day you buy it because if you were able to get to the store with your car chances are your car isnt stuck in a parking spot. It's 100% a future investment that you ultimately might not need, ugh its a wonder any of these things ever get sold.

So what is your snow shovel situation? Ever been trapped with out one? I'd love to hear about it, and until next time.. I'll just be sitting here, not driving.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Before I can tell you about the terribly inconvenient story of Nintendo's, "New Super Mario Bros. Wii," I have to tell you about the last couple Mario adventures I've been on.

First we travel back to 1996, when the Nintendo 64 was the hottest gaming console out there and Super Mario 64 was breaking ground on the 3D platforming scene. The idea was simple, get stars to unlock doors, unlock enough doors to get to Bowser, and defeat bowser enough times to rescue the Princess. If memory serves me I think the magic number was 70 stars to get to the final level of the game (I could be wrong) and as a kid this was all that concerned me. Beating the final boss meant beating the game right?

NO! Even though I beat the game there was still one cannon outside the castle I couldn't access. I began to wonder how to open it, and heard rumors that if you opened it you could get to Yoshi on the castle roof. YOSHI?! Holy Awesomeness I had to do that.. but how? Collect all 120 stars of course. So I long jumped, butt stomped, wing capped, and backflipped till my thumbs were raw, but finally I did it. I was so excited.. the gate had opened, it was all worth it, I shot myself to the roof and sure enough there was Yoshi! YAY! I spoke to him, and he said...

"Here's 99 lives so you can continue to enjoy playing!" and then jumped away. What BULL****! Continue playing?? what else is there to do (spoiler alert: NOTHING) and extra lives? I believe the penalty for a game over is starting outside the castle instead of outside the level you were just in, its a matter of running back to the same spot. What a tease, I wanted my reward, I wanted my recognition!

Fast forward to three years ago, and I thought I had it. I was now playing Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii and wow was it fun. Once again, collect enough stars to beat Bowser and rescue Peach. Again the rumors rose around the game, if you get all 120 with Mario you can play as Luigi! True? YES! I collected every star in the game and had access to another character, to play the game again, a character who jumps higher but runs with a slippery step. But what happens if you beat the game with Luigi? What is the motivation to play through the whole game a 2nd time? Rumor says... SECRET LEVEL!

I knew I had to do it. I had to find this level and beat it, beat was had to be a simply chaotic area of insane difficulty for only the elite player. Before I go on I'll let you know that every level in the game offers a star if you collect 100 purple coins. Ok so 240 stars later, game complete with Mario and Luigi, the level is revealed....

...AND... It's a single road, with 100 purple coins lined up in a row that ends in front of the castle. WHAT?! all that work for nothing!? again?! Why would anyone want to get to this level? what is the reasoning here??

Ugh.. so anyway, fast forward again to the present, the newest Mario adventure is New Super Mario Bros. Wii. a return to the 2D platformer with new twists, better graphics, and an injection of awesome.

The idea was a little different, and more in line with the original Mario games. Get to the end of 8 worlds each made up of 8 levels, defeat Bowser and rescue the Princess. Well it wasn't the easiest game ever, but I got to that point pretty quickly and then what? world 9? Interesting..

Turns out you can't access any level in world 9 unless you collect all 3 star coins from each of the 8 levels in each world. (Collect the 24 star coins in world 1 to unlock the first level of world 9 etc.) Challenge Accepted game! I will go back to every level multiple times searching them in and out for every secret to beat this world 9 because I know that at the end of the journey, after I beat world 9 into a pulp must be waiting a boss fight, so legendary, that only the most dedicated will even face, only the most determined will know about and have the true right to say I beat the FINAL BOSS!

Well guess what? I was wrong.. again. After all that work all I got was a message confirming that I had completed everything in the game, and some stars next to my name on the title screen. Well woop-dee-friggin-doo. Ugh sorry for the length but has anyone else put this much effort into a game for no reward? I can def say that I'm a freaking master of the new age Mario games, but I wish Nintendo had enough courtesy to appropriately reward its dedicated players.

Maybe next time...

Yoga Jeans

Well I can't say I wasn't warned. On the first day of Intro to Acting our professor told us to wear comfy clothes to class, said specifically not to wear tight jeans and pointed out several people in the class who would need to change their attire.

I don't own any ultra skinny, skinny, or tight fitting jeans at all for that matter. Since the average temperature in Blacksburg is roughly 35 degrees right now and I don't think shorts or sweat pants would cut it, I didn't even give this another thought.

As it turns out, "don't wear tight jeans" was great advice, but not complete advice. Complete advice would sound like this. "Don't wear jeans to this class at all. Ever."

I consider myself pretty mobile in my jeans, but then I've never tried to yoga in them (or at any time in my past) which is conveniently how she likes to start class. Started out fine: hand above head, down to toes, downward facing dog, slide into cobra, and then FAIL.

I should mention that I am out of my element talking about this, and feel a little silly typing out the names of these positions, so forgive me if I am incorrect.

If you don't know what, "downward facing dog," is, it's basically holding your self up with hand and toes and you butt way up in the air. The slide into cobra from there basically lowers your but to the ground and raises your head to the sky, kinda like a seal. FAIL is when you then bring one foot up to line up with your fingertips.

Now I don't know how this would feel for a girl, but guys I can only say, DONT WEAR JEANS. The amount of.. hmm friction? pinching? and squeezing? that occurs is simply awful, not to mention there is a definite possibility that even loose jeans could rip.

Fortunately my jeans remained intact, but I could feel some threads getting awful thin. Overall I think this is probably the most basic Yoga anyone could ever do, and I think the real purpose is just to wake us up, but to be honest it works pretty well. I don't imagine I'll be attending an actual class anytime soon, but it's definitely a different way to move around... just don't wear jeans.

Parking

I don't think of myself as a quick tempered person, but there is one thing that will ALWAYS put me bad mood: parking.

There are two very ugly faces of parking:

1. Finding a spot.

2. Parking Tickets.

The inability to find a parking spot in a timely manner will drive me to anger, and frustration faster than just about anything else. Let me break down my situation for you. Every morning I wake up and drive to my college campus and start hunting for a spot. Naturally I try to keep morning classes out of my schedule so I can sleep in. Unfortunately this means when I arrive at the commuter parking lot at 11:30 (for a 2:00 p.m. class) every spot is taken, and I mean EVERY spot.

I should mention that our commuter lot is broken up into three large sections and until this year I have not had to much trouble finding a spot to park. Sometimes my spot may be far away, but I don't mind walking as long as I can park. This year however there is LESS parking because the whole middle section is closed off so, ironically, they can build a parking garage.

(Actually they are building a new academic building, and a parking garage, so whenever the project is done there wont really be any more spots than there used to be, just spots that have been relocated up several flights of stairs.)

In the mean time there are about 100 spots fewer than normal, which has created a piranha like mentality amongst everyone looking for a spot. Everyone circling around waiting to converge on the next student returning to their car. Well after 45 MINUTES of circling I finally found someone leaving their spot, or what looked like a spot.

This bring us to ugly face #2. Since construction has begun on the middle section a large gate has been built around it to keep people out of the construction zone. The gate crosses right over the section of road that connects one parking lot to the other. Conveniently enough it leaves the entrance to this road unblocked, in fact there is just over a car lengths worth of road left ungated creating room for two cars to park next to one another and be 100% out of the way of traffic passing behind them. If you park there you're actually in line with with the cars on either side of you in the parking lot. (Just to clarify, this road is like the doorway between 2 lots, it is not near any street. All traffic passing behind you is parking lot traffic, not street traffic.)

Now I'm sure you can see where this is going, I got a ticket for parking here, the official reason being that this was "not a space." I would be willing to accept this reason if not for a few things. First I have seen people parking in these spots for over a semester, second, parking there does not block or hinder anyone in anyway, third the spots are in the commuter section of the lot which I have a paid pass for, and lastly THERE IS NO SIGN SAYING PARKING THERE ISN'T ALLOWED.

I can understand if originally they didn't put a sign up and assumed people wouldn't park there. I think it stands to reason however, that if this has been happening for over a semester, than obviously there is there is some confusion or miscommunication about whether you can park there.

I mean how hard would it be to put up a sign or some cones, or anything that lets you know you'll get a ticket? Sure maybe originally parking services are not at fault for not realizing there would be any confusion, but at this point in the game they are being irresponsible and simply taking advantage of students who have paid for commuter passes and are unknowingly parking illegally in a clearly marked commuter zone.

With parking as limited as it is anyway it seems like adding two additional spots for a limited time would actually be very helpful, but then why be helpful when you could squeeze an extra few bucks out of unknowing students everyday?